The Summer of 2017

Here is one of the highlights of our summer, but time to get real. I've been MIA on social media for a while, as Rob and I have been facing some really challenging health trials the last 12 weeks. I don't usually share the details of our life on social media, but I am begging and pleading for prayers from my family and friends right now. 12 weeks ago I was admitted to the hospital for an infection in my colon, which has progressed to requiring 26 different IVs, now a picc line because I can't consume enough water without constant vomiting and a need for IV medications, a feeding tube into my small bowel as I cannot tolerate very much food, several ER visits, a hospital admission, abdominal surgery, a persistent fever for 12 weeks, another infection in my colon, and literally thousands of dollars for other tests, procedures and medication. We are working with many specialists but have not found a solid diagnosis. We are desperate for prayers and good vibes. Here is a glimpse into our every day life right now... be prepared it is long and isn't pretty, but the best way to document how the last 12 weeks have been. I can only hope that I can connect with someone out there who has been in our shoes, or by sharing our story, we will connect with others who can help us. 

In a recent movie I watched, the main character references that she no longer feels like a person, but rather a problem to solve or fix. I could not put it better myself. I often feel the burden of my existence when I wake up each morning and my husband has to flush my feeding tube, pushing potent, poisonous, and uncomfortable antibiotics through my feeding tube, as I listen to his heavy hearted sighs as he prepares for the burdens he has placed in front of him. He has become so weary that he doesn't even realize any more how audible his sighs are and how his burdened body shuffles around our home as he scrambles to get out the door. His eyes are blood shot as he gathers his briefcase for his internship, his change of clothes for work, and then his fully stuffed backpack to finish the day off with lab and research work on campus. He hurriedly grabs his snacks and things he can quickly shove in his mouth before he has to make it to the next meeting. I try to muster a smile and kiss, as my exhausted, pain stricken body gets up to walk him out the door. I get up for the 45th, oh wait no, 450th time to barf or pass endless diarrhea in our now all too familiar bathroom. I cry as he has left for the day and realize how much hurt and despair I face for the next 12-14 hours before he gets home. 

I desperately try to get back to sleep as I have only been asleep for maybe two or max three hours before he has leaves for the morning. My nights now consist of  throw up, diarrhea, and crying until my body gives up for the night and allows several minutes of sleep before the routine starts again. I grab my 3 heaviest blankets, heat up 2 rice bags, my heating pad, and my 40 lb best friend, and beg her to nuzzle into my sleeping space to feel some form of physical comfort. Sometimes in the morning, in fact now that I think of it, most mornings, I cry to my dog Indy ( I realize that sounds crazy, and it probably is slightly) and beg her to just stay with me so I don't feel so painfully and desperately lonely. She quietly nuzzles in, and sometimes even licks my tears away. 2 hours pass, after I've maxed out on pain killers, sleep aids, nausea meds, and everything else available on the pharmaceutical market (it seems like) and I wake up to the urge to pass massive diarrhea... again. I grab my trusty barf bowl on the way to the bathroom and quickly shove my sweatpants down and barely make it to the explosive diarrhea out of what I think Satan's butt hole must be like. Luckily I grab my trusty barf bowl to quickly collect all the bile and stomach acid I have left to muster up before I head back to my living room lair. 

The Office is on for the 20,000th time as I comfort myself with Michael Scott stupidity and try to take my mind off of the physical exhaustion and pain I feel. I think of repeatedly how worthless and pointless my existence feels at this current time. Something I have become far too familiar with in my internal dialogue. I notice the mess around me, and slowly try to pick up the mess I made the day prior. I stumble over what looks like a cancer patients pharmacy, and try to straighten things up to a decently presentable state. I rush again, for diarrhea calls, but don't grab my trusty bucket at resort to puking in the bath tub just so I have a vessel to collect my barf. I wipe my butt, for the millionth and a half time, holding back the tears as my raw bum screams with fire. I take a few deep breaths, clean the barf up in the bath tub and try to collect myself to make it into the kitchen. I notice the giant mound of dishes that need to be washed but I haven't been able to do because of the 26 different IVs I have had placed in the last 11 weeks, that don't allow my arms to get wet. I cringe as I wish to be a better wife and future mother, which I worry I will never become. I fight the internal dialogue of how worthless and pointless my existence has become. As I head back to my living space I am reminded of the empty bedroom where my husband sleeps each night. For 11 weeks we have slept in different rooms so he can rest, and I can puke my life away. The distance seems to widen as each day passes. I long for the day when I can share a bed with him again, uninterrupted by my barf, diarrhea, and loneliness. 

(Fair warning, there are several bleeped out swear words ahead, turn back now if you don't want to read)

Sh**. I didn't make it to the bathroom this time. In fact, I literally sh** myself. I feel the chunky diarrhea stream down my legs and soak my temple garments. Am I even worthy or worth it to wear these garments anymore? I seriously wonder if God even knows who I am anymore.  

I quickly strip my clothes and keep passing the brutal diarrhea of Satan's butt, and simultaneously wash out soiled garments in the bath tub. Puke evades me this time, and I feel grateful. I stare at my garments and think, is this what my life has become? Endless diarrhea at 25 years old and no end in sight? I seriously question if God even knows who I am anymore. 

I change my clothes and see if I can gain the strength to take a bath. Maybe I can sweat this fever out and feel a little less horrible for the day. I draw a bath, and strip my clothes, avoiding eye contact with my disgusting naked body in the mirror. I shutter at the thought how my naked, sickly, scarred and bruised my body looks. I get in the bath carefully, as to not soak my picc line dressing or get my hair wet, as that takes more strength than I have today. I quickly sponge off my body and use every ounce of strength I have to pull myself up out of the bath. I dry off, and sit down on the toilet to bring my heart rate down as I feel completely wiped and exhausted after just a measly bath. I head over to check my phone and notice I have missed two calls from insurance companies and medical bill collections. I take a big sigh and decide if I have the courage and emotional strength to fight those battles again. I quickly dress and take the only time of day I can to half attempt my makeup and hair so I don't look like a complete waste of space when my husband comes home to get me. I finally feel a little more presentable and less disgusting, but feel sad that I can't accept who I am. 

I take a minute to look around at the stacks of medical bills, and every other bill imaginable to quickly realize how flat broke we are. Our dreams of traveling, date nights, or any hope seem so far off, and honestly impossible. I gear up and get totally ready for yet, another doctors appointment, unsure of what to expect. Rob pulls up, weary and exhausted from the already brutal day he has had. He is my rock and stays positive every single day, when I know how exhausted and worried he is. I try to microwave a frozen meal for him and have it hot when he arrives home. He is lucky if I don't burn if, over salt it, or under cook it. I feel bad for what he has to eat today. A frozen chicken pot pie for the thousandth time this year, when we used to have healthy meals from scratch often. I again feel insurmountable guilt for how short I am falling. I gather my purse and insurance card, to head to another doctors appointment. We walk in heavy hearted, typically greeted by a disheartened, weary receptionist who has been yelled at hundred times today before we arrive. I try to be extra kind, as I'm sure her job is frustrating. We wait.... wait..... wait..... to be called back. Finally my name is called and Rob grabs my things as I head to the scale, which will defeat me, yet again today. I stare at the number in horror and frustration as I know no number will ever be the right one. This is something I have struggled with my entire life, and now adds to the heaping pile of stress we are facing each day. We walk back to the exam room to repeat my medical saga for the last 11 weeks for the 100th time (no exaggeration). The medical assistant gathers some of the information but we are prepared to repeat everything once again when the doctor comes in. I do not say this harshly, it's just the way the system works. The MA's are over worked and the story has to be continually repeated to ever be heard. We fight and advocate for the things we need, and depending on the day, feel validated or completely dismissed. Often times, sadly it is the latter. We book a follow up, usually in several weeks, and even fight to get in then, and feel discouraged and burdened as we head to our car. We walk to the car in silence as we try to process what the appointment meant. Rob turns the ignition and I stare out the window trying to process the appointment and find any glimmer of hope that I can. We pull up to a stop light and I notice the man in the car next to us, take several takes, staring incredulously at my face at the feeding tube blaring out of my nose. I feel so completely uncomfortable in my skin, and embarrassed by my appearance as I fight back tears for the fiftieth time today. My head hangs a little lower as the all too familiar shame fills every extra ounce of my body instantly. 

We pull into the drive way, not having spoken a word to each other as we try to process how we will move forward through the next hours of the day. I walk into the house, excited to see Indy, while simultaneously staring at the treadmill that is now covered in over ten plastic bins of all sizes filled with medical supplies. It is a constant reminder of my current limitations and the freedoms I have been robbed of by my sickly body. I crave the freedom from running I felt each day, and the empowerment I gained through running. My body and mind ache to be able to do those things again. 

Rob shoves down microwaved leftovers for lunch before he heads to his next job and lists off what he has to complete by the end of the day. The list seems impossibly long and I try to offer to help, but in reality only add more items and stress to his list. I can almost see the weight visibly added to his shoulders. His shoulders drop a little lower, and the dark circles under his eyes suddenly much more prominent. I head to the bathroom to puke and pass more diarrhea and then fall asleep on the couch for a nap, and wait for him to arrive home. This routine repeats its self for what seems like years, with no end in sight.

I do not want to seem ungrateful or angry for I know others have it much worse off. I just want to be real. I want to honestly say, I envy those who are ill with a diagnosis. I would do anything to get better. I envy those on Instagram who seem to have everything together and happy marriages with smiling chunky babies. I envy the travel bloggers, the pregnancy announcements, and home owner posts that I feel are so impossibly far in our "maybe" future. I feel an overwhelming, physically present doubt, and wonder how we will ever come out of this trial alive. I pray and hope that someone that I once knew, is there to hear me. 

As I type this, Rob and I are watching our precious niece and nephews for a few days. I see their beautiful faces and wonder in their eyes of what their futures might hold. I see the beautiful home that their parents have created and worked so hard to cultivate with love. After helping each child to bed, I cry sobs in their bathroom as I feel so frustrated about our current trial. I don't think I can ever amount to this beautiful life these children grow up in, with incredible parents and a loving, dream filled environment. The Spirit fills every inch and nook  of their home to provide constant comfort and solace. My silent sobs continue as I feel so much guilt for not being able to provide this life for my husband, and that our dreams are on an infinite hold. I cry as my swollen eyes ache for relief, and beg for sleep. I cry and wonder, what will our future hold. How will we ever make it? Please Lord, help us, I plea for the millionth time. 

The most important thing is that I have Rob by my side, and he has done everything and multiple that by a million, and it still wouldn't cover all he has done during this challenging time. You are my everything Rob. 

"Land of the Midnight Sun"

I honestly can't believe we have been gone for three weeks! Time is just flying by, and all of the days are starting to blur together! Part of this has to do with the fact that the sun is ALWAYS up! The sun goes down around midnight and usually comes back up around 3 am, so you have the longest days, which is perfect for adventuring and driving late at night! It can just be very challenging to keep track of the time because you can't judge anything off of the light outside! 

So for the past two weeks, we have been doing a lot of trainings and a lot of working and exploring, and adjusting to the area! Here are a few pictures of where we are staying! 

We are living in Healy, Alaska. This town has a population of around 900 people, and it doubles in the summer because of all of the employees here during the summer season! There is a total of one gas station, three bars, a liquor store, and a LOT of wildlife! At first we were a little worried about our limited access to resources we have been used to at home, but it has actually been perfect to refocus and simplify! Because of all of the limited distractions, we have really been able to enjoy the time that we have together, and enjoy all of the wildlife and beautiful landscape! We have also learned to really rely on each other! There are very few members of the church here, and VERY few young married couples, so we are really the outliers. However, this has been one of the most refreshing things about our adventure here! We are meeting some of the most wonderful and incredible people, and learning so much about people from all over the world! They even have an exchange program here for students from Bulgaria! 

Where we live is called "The Homestead". This is part of company housing and meals, and is around 15 minutes away from the Princess Lodge we all work at! 

The view outside our building! Seriously so gorgeous!

This is what the Homestead looks like! And the view right behind where we live! 

Here is our room. We are currently sharing a twin size bed, because of availability, so that means lots of cuddling and snuggling time! 

On our first Sunday here, I was lucky enough to be able to attend our local branch! It it such an incredible branch with the most amazing members! I can honestly say there is such great strength in small numbers! I felt the Spirit hit me like a wall when I entered into the building! 

It is also such a blessing because the church is just under a mile away from our apartment! We are able to walk to church, which makes us leave on time ha ha, and get some peace and quiet, and pondering before church starts! We are truly so lucky to have a church so close to us in such a remote location, because otherwise it would be hours and hours until we would find the next church! 

Once Rob got off of work that day, we were also able to go into the National Park before it opened up to the public, and before all of the bus tours starting going through it! 

One word describes Denali National Park; B R E A T H T A K I N G! 

It was honestly one of the most beautiful national parks I have ever been to! Everything is so close to you, and the wildlife is everywhere! It is so peaceful, and chilly ha ha. 

The view from our drive to work everyday, can't complain about this! 

How is this even real life?! 

Testing out our new binoculars we got for Christmas! (Thanks Joe!! ) 

Can you say WALL-E? ha ha ha 

I am so excited to do some tours through the national park, and go back over and over again! 

For the first week of work, we were preparing for the hotels to open, and preparing for literally thousands of guests to come in just one week, so there was a lot to do, and a lot of information to absorb! 

Let's just say, Rob's uniform is a lot more flattering and "updated" than mine.  (More on that at a later time ha ha :) 

This week we also had the opportunity to visit a local husky puppy farm. Husky Homestead is owned by a man named Jeff King, a famous Iditarod athlete, who raises Alaskan huskies to compete in the race each year! He offers tours to the "Husky Homestead" where you can go an hold the husky puppies, and learn more about the Iditarod race, and  then play with more puppies. 

I am obsessed...I think we need one ;) 

I was seriously in puppy heaven! 

This is one of the outfits the Iditarod champion wears during the race, because of how cold it is throughout the entire race! 

Later that week, Rob drove to Anchorage for work, and got to ride the train home, where he enjoyed some incredible food! I also tried salmon again, and it was absolutely delicious! Maybe Rob's prayers about me liking fish are coming true! 

The Lodge that I am working at offers a musical theatre show, and they let the employees attend! The individuals in the show are very talented, and really get the audience involved! 

When we got home that night, we had two packages waiting for us, and it felt like Christmas! I guess I got a little taste of what it feels like to be a missionary because I was SO excited! I was ecstatic because I gluten free food coming in these boxes from my wonderful parents! 

Lets just say, gluten free has been some tough business out here, but after some reconfiguring, I think we have a little system down, thanks to my incredible and generous parents! 

Because the sun goes down so late, it is called the Land of the Midnight Sun, but this is perfect for adventuring and spectacular views! We had the chance to see Mt Mckinley on a clear day, and it was was         a m a z i n g because of the limited clear days we have out here! 

We did get to see a beautiful sunset around 11 45 pm this night, and the picture doesn't even do it justice! 

Our last beautiful adventure of the week was visiting Otto Lake! We decided to try some fishing and just enjoy the beauty of God's creations! 

We truly feel blessed and grateful for this opportunity! It is taking a bit of adjusting, but we are grateful for this experience and what we are learning together! 

Our Journey to Alaska

 I hope you can all bear with me as I venture into the blogging world! Now, I know I won't have a million readers, and really that isn't my goal by any means, but I would feel ungrateful if I didn't document our experiences this summer in Alaska. I also hope to turn this into a blog of our adventures as a family, and the "real life" memories we are creating as a couple.

How did we end up in Alaska for the summer? Well, honestly, this job fell into our laps and we couldn't turn it down. Last year, in our first year of marriage, we looked into going to Alaska to work for the summer to make some extra money and create some more substantial savings as students, but the timing was wrong, and we had a lot of other obligations we were already committed to. However, when we got in touch with a few friends who had worked in Alaska we became more intrigued about the idea, and more prayerful. As we started talking about it, and exploring the idea of it, we applied for the job. At the time, we had applied with a few friends of ours, but Heavenly Father had some other plans for them, so we were on our own. The application process and hearing back was quite nerve wracking for me because it meant we would be leaving our families for 4 months and living in a COMPLETELY different environment. However, it was also one of the most exciting, and faith filled decisions we have made yet as a couple.

Once we heard back that we got the jobs, ( I will spare you the lengthy details of the process and questions we had) we told our current employers and took the giant L E A P of faith that this is what Heavenly Father's plan was for us. We are both working for Holland America Princess Cruise lines in Denali, Alaska. We were very excited about working in Denali because of some financial benefits offered, but mainly, we are excited to s i m p l i f y our lives for the next few months and really work hard, refocus and recharge.

                     Saying good bye to our families, was tearful to say the least. ( Let's just say, I was the girl growing up who cried 4 out of the 5 days at girls camp because I was so homesick. I like to think I've made a few strides since then :)

We decided to drive to Denali, because it would give us a little more flexibility to travel and explore some more of the things we wanted to see in Alaska. The first day we drove to Rexburg, ID to stay and visit with Rob's grandparents and family. This was the e a s y drive, and we love any chance we can get to spend with family, so this was the perfect option.

We decided it would be fun to take pictures of each state line or territory we passed through! 

The next day we made the long 13 hour trip, with some detours, to Edmonton Alberta Canada. We got to travel through parts of Yellowstone, and the endless state of Montana, as well as cross the border into Canada. It was incredible to see all the different types of weather that we traveled through. We saw thick amounts of snow, rain, and even hail during this drive. 

It was fun to make the drive to Edmonton because we were able to make this trip last year as well because Rob served his mission in Edmonton. We were blessed beyond belief to stay with one of the families he became close to on his mission, and I can't even tell you how grateful we were for food and a bed. In fact, I think this was one of Rob's most favorite parts of the trip, because I absolutely LOVED the salmon dinner this family gave us. (While usually I stay 10 feet away from anything that smells or looks like fish) I think Rob's prayers about Alaskan fish are coming true:) 

Driving through Yellowstone, absolutely stunning with the snow.. and then we finally made it to Montana!

This guy is a champion driver, and never complained about the long drives!

We spent more time at these stations then we planned, but little did we know how grateful we would be for a modern gas station :) 

Alberta bound!

Did I forget to mention we saw the world's largest beaver museum on the way? ha ha

The next day we felt recharged and refreshed as we had actually taken a shower and eaten food besides smartfood popcorn and protein bars. 

This is when we made our long journey to Fort Nelson, British Columbia. This is where we ventured onto the alaskan highway. And oh what an adventure this would be. 

We had read lots of blogs, and reports about traveling on the Alaskan Highway because you get pretty much into the middle of nothing. Now, I am not talking about a small town or city, you get into absolutely nothing but the thickness of trees and mountains, not to mention the dirt road you are often traveling on. It was always extremely comforting to pass a car next to us, because sometimes you wouldn't see another car for hours. This is honestly where our adventure got the most exciting, and we became the most delirious. This is also where we saw some of the most beautiful landscape and wildlife I have ever seen in my life. 

Once we made it to Fort Nelson, we were exhausted and grateful to have a clean hotel and place to sleep, but before we went to bed, I of course wanted to explore the "town". First, the town is around half a mile long, no longer, and this is the largest town from 10 hours each direction, so it's pretty much it. There is of course, a Tim Horton's, a Canadian Favorite. As well as two gas stations, 2 restaurants, a post office, and a food mart, with 3 different boxes of gluten free food, ya buddy. 

Some of the beautiful landscape along the Alaskan highway! Spectacular! 

Just some of the wildlife we saw on the way, they were literally right next to our car! 

Rob chucked some pretty heavy rocks onto the ice lake, and the ice is so thick it didn't even budge! 

Once we had explored the vastness of the town, we decided to hit the sack, and prepare for the next day. 

These are the faces that say "we are so tired but so grateful we had a good night's rest in a clean hotel" face.

Some of Rob's favorite treats from Timmy's!

The delightful stop of Toad River, home to some of the most interesting "things" I have ever seen! And some crazy fueling systems! 

We had to get some pictures with the "toads"? ha ha 

One word. SKETCHY. 

On our way to Whitehorse, we stopped by one of the tourist areas mentioned along the Alaskan highway. We passed through Watson Lake where there is a spot called "Sign Post Forrest". The first sign was placed here by a homesick army engineer and travelers have been placing signs from home there ever since! There are literally thousands of signs and it is amazing to see where every one has traveled from! 

We found a little sign from home!

Little did we know, the next day would bring about an even more beautiful landscape and many prayers that we relied on our Heavenly Father for. We drove through the rocky terrain, hills upon hills upon hills and were amazed at all of God's creations. About 7 hours into the drive, Rob started to notice the car lurching and the check engine light went on. We immediately pulled over, and 

p r a y e d. We were about 45 minutes from the next "town". We were anxious because we still had a few more days of driving, and we really had no clue of what might be wrong with our car. We started to fervently pray, and I immediately felt overcome with the Spirit, and both of us received the direct prompting to "keep driving". We were grateful for an answer and prayed that the next "town", and by town, we mean abandoned buildings and non human operated gas station, just an abandoned station,  would have phone service so we could call our families and maybe get some ideas of what to do. We finally got in touch with our families and felt we should just keep moving forward and things would work out. Well our prayers were answered, simple as that, we were able to keep driving and make it to a big enough city to sort out the issues. 

The night of the car issues, we were blessed to have a bed to stay in once again. Rob had the brilliant idea, seriously brilliant idea, to call the branch president in Whitehorse, Yukon Territory, and see if he might have ideas for places for us to stay that night. Well the branch president, whom we had never met, and found his name on mormon.org, said we could just stay with him! We were so grateful because the Yukon territory is FREAKIN cold! 

We made it through day 4 of driving! Wohoo! 

One of the most interesting churches we saw along the Alaskan Highway! 

Yes, there are no names for stores or restaurants in this middle of "nowhereness" , the are just called "STORE " or "Restaurant"...again...SKETCH. 

Motel/Bathroom anyone? ehhh...I think I'll pass...

Seriously SPECTACULAR views of everything we passed! The view was absolutely breathtaking! 

We woke up the next day excited for our last long day of driving to stay in Fairbanks for a few days for Rob's job. We left early that morning and continued listening for hours upon end to our Dave Ramsey book and other books on CD. Little did we know the mountains and landscape would be even larger than life on the drive to Fairbanks! 

In Whitehorse, one of the coolest things I saw was the S.S. Klondike steamboat. It was pretty amazing how much it looked like the Mickey's steamboat in Disneyland ha ha ha. 

Again, "RESTAURANT". Let's just say, we were STARVING... and celiac disease is tough business out here, but somehow we survived this food. 

Another "Restaurant", but this one decided to have a dog keep watch? 

Maps upon maps upon maps, no "GPSing" or service out here! 

It was SUCH an exciting moment to see this sign and we can't believe we are actually in ALASKA! Wohoo!! 

All in all, and jokes aside, we truly are so grateful for this opportunity and so grateful we made it safely to Alaska! I was SO excited to have 53 hours in the car with my best friend, a luxury I usually don't have nearly any time with him, so the days we spend on the drive were some of my most favorite memories of our marriage so far!